istone

2011-01-17T12:27:00.002+08:00

What does it mean to say and to mean, to want to dance with you, be romanced by you? These are times when I feel like light is spilling everywhere and the specks of dust in the air hang suspended, frozen in solidified certainty. Solid love that knocks and breaks my heart, liquid love that fills what needs filling. Nothing more, nothing less, just enough: Things change. Decadent tropes of trees, wind, rain, arthritic fingers... has a place where is this place that it has in this light? Do things not move here, hang suspended in your love or do they move because of your love?

This afternoon: clear? waking sleep - I dreamed a white colour: a white right dream, your light? on my? canvas? A staccato rhythm of unknowing that you lead me into, together we move to. Currently there is joy in living in between the knowing and the not knowing, somewhere in between dreams: your world and what you meant this world to be.

2010-03-19T11:53:00.002+08:00

the things i miss are the ordinary things: the unknowing, unintended consequences of an absent-mindedness better left unspoken

and yet, there is difficulty in this unknowing of the self.

2009-08-27T00:24:00.004+08:00

time

with all my heart i want to believe that it is nothing... i want to believe that in twenty years we will be all we hope to be: our hair still caught in the wind, our parting kisses still filled with familiar longing, our love still the cosy place we come home to. i want to believe that waiting doesn't change anything, and if it does; i want to believe that one day we will come full circle and find each other again. is this all it comes down to - desire and hope?

but if this is all it comes down to, then let me have enough desire and hope.

When I said "My foot is slipping,"

your love, O lord, supported me.

When anxiety was great within me,

Your consolation brought joy to my soul.

Ps. 94:18-19

dear Lord, my foot is slipping.

2009-06-01T16:32:00.002+08:00

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait

2009-04-07T00:00:00.002+08:00

this haze, this conscious dream, has gotten tiring. today i do not know who i am, where i've been and where i'm going: my dreams have gone from liberating to suffocating. give me time.. time to get used to your possibilities, your ways around the system, my fighting for what i shouldn't even have to fight for. too many things we don't know yet, not currently, not soon, not ever.

tell me..... what exactly? do i do you do we really want to know that the only thing that stands between despair and hope; knowledge and unknowledge; the good and the ungood; the dead and the undead; is a .. tree? a tree whose trunk isn't meant for the heroic holding up the weight of the world; but whose old, old trunk is nothing but sheared bone, brutally sandpapered by the wind and rain. a tree without hopeful fingers that instinctively creep upward to its creator; but are instead old, sick and arthritic.

many, many things have been lost. even my writing no longer resembles the wind; all i know now is crude, vulgar technical writing, on trade options and diversity, on forward foreign exchange rates, on china's elite policy, on the future of india. if i disappear will you remember what i once was; will you tell me time is nothing? or will you tell me the difference between the real and unreal is not a tree, but very simply, sanity?

2009-03-31T21:37:00.002+08:00

mr whitby

"if there's anyone i can think of that's perfect to practice medicine it's be j; he's a good lad. i think you've got a keeper there, and he's got one in you. you let me know how the both of you work out."

2009-03-31T00:01:00.002+08:00

and death, i think (is no parantheses)

can it be said we don't like change? no, change with you is spontaneity; but change without you is .. lonely chaos. too many houses smell like ghosts: i miss you terribly.

2009-02-25T20:14:00.002+08:00

lilies

it is, is it some semblance of life, an ardent promise of continuity in my room: it is comforting. if i write a book will you buy it, if i buy a book would you write in it, or will it depend on what the book looks like. would you pay for words, my words, to have words? would you pay a painter that writes poetry in colour, would you pay an actor that looks like a poem? it is, is it proof that dirt is clean when there is a volume. would you continue to read this if i continue to write this, in this manner, in this stunningly unsettling manner. my lilies smell like rain in the summer, but that's just my opinion: they're my favourite. <3

2009-02-17T02:57:00.003+08:00

i know i should be writing and for that i am ashamed. i want to walk and feel words materialise in my soul, i want to write and write and write and write, something long something huge something profound; something that will make me cry all over again when i read it. i want to write prose and not poetry: prose that is by no means prosaic... there's nothing stopping me, but too many things are empty without you around, and so i have been letting myself disappear into the haze of sleep, into the heat of the afternoon, into the shadows of rainy days..

answer me like you would a child: sure, strong, definite. tell me our parents are invincible and infallible, that we will live forever....... i want to not know any better, to sneeze into the batter, to eat butter out of a spoon: tell me time is nothing, and i too, will love you like mr darcy would.. most ardently.

2009-01-29T22:39:00.002+08:00

where time cannot go

i dreamed you were a dream: a voice tossed around by the wind, a momentary affair the waves have licked off the shore, an unreality over the phone. an idea that disappears and reappears and disappears in the wind of thought: it is autumn in singapore, and the trees have begun to cry. but it's okay, i say quietly. i have seen the future: we will be okay with all the waiting.

2008-12-31T12:32:00.004+08:00

if it is by You that i write, i am not afraid: not of running out of words, of time, of passion, of inspiration. Father You are the beginning and end of everything that i write; and by that i will close my eyes and be led by the Spirit, and see where You take me.

2008-12-27T00:40:00.008+08:00

the weight of this world

Dear Lord: it's difficult, and more than anything it's painful, the pain is far too much for me to bear.

but your joy will be my strength

2008-12-24T23:48:00.001+08:00

thunder

& it rolls, it rolls so deep (:

2008-12-19T00:21:00.004+08:00

all i am is Yours

secretly i do not like any kind of ice cream, nor screaming lawless children in public places (unless they are my nephews), rude aunties at the cold cuts counter in supermarkets that prove that age doesn't make you any wiser (although they believe otherwise), nor noisy social phototaking. secretly i believe that a fallen eyelash entitles you to a wish, lizards itch to crawl into the warm depths of your ears at night, that all of us are broken, that God lives in the wind and speaks through the rain, and that all lost balloons go to a safe place in the sky. secretly, i close my eyes when i walk alone and converse with creation, more often than not i pretend that rain is snow and that the windows on buses do not exist, and all the time i write while i walk to no place in particular and save my pieces as draft messages on my phone. today i secretly still believe that God still lives in the wind and speaks through the rain, that we are all still broken, and that everything that i write is crafted by the graceful hands that live within my spirit, and that i will forever be an i, a non pronoun; that whatever i write will always be non-entries, non-words, non-poems, because it is never the non-i that touches the heart but the quiet work of the strong sure hands that crafted my own soul and stilled my spirit; and today i believe that the Heart to whom these sure strong Hands belong to grieves richly from our own brokeness and rejection.

my spirit is heavy, Lord

2008-11-30T02:34:00.002+08:00

vanity

it is 2:57am and it has been told to me that i must write about my dreams and aspirations. Youth itself is frivolous therefore i will make it known quietly that i want to forever be able to write Emotion so raw that our own tremulous hearts are unable to bear the burden of a beauty as chaste as theirs - to shiver as the universe shivers, to sigh as the wind sighs - believe me when i say it will be beautiful.

2008-10-27T15:58:00.005+08:00

today i walked for 20 minutes in the rain pretending it was snow,

and only the passing cars judged me.

(: (: <3

2008-10-26T19:09:00.002+08:00

bolsheviks

c: i've decided i gotta steal at least 2 more fire extinguishers from school before i never have the chance to again. And get phoons phone number
me: because you need 2 more to make a robot army and now's the time to grab all you can? ok i am supportive but when your revolution comes i'm staying home
c: i'm telling you sometime it won't be a revolution it will be a real fire and you will need me

2008-10-20T22:52:00.003+08:00

10:33 pm

capncrunch says:

after your A levels we go havok la

why d'you want to be immortal, max?
we already spend too much time losing things we once knew to be ours.

2008-09-24T00:06:00.006+08:00

Non-entry IV

as written in a diary, date unknown

Spain

September:
the trees are crying.

our drawn souls shiver –
dusty from the breath of the moon
and we test (is it warm?)
sleep.

It is quiet here ,
and
the nearnessofyou (
as the morning wakes ) is,
too ( careful, the sheets are clean,
i love you for most things)
much (you smell like the sea)
,of a thought.

charlyn magnus

2008-09-13T17:31:00.003+08:00

small

"To deepen you by my quickness
and delight as if you
were logical and proven,
but still be quiet as if
I were used to you; as if
you would never leave me
and were the inexorable product of my own time."

"I want my feet to be bare,
I want my face to be shaven, and my heart --
you can't plan on the heart, but
the better part of it, my poetry, is open."

frank o' hara

2008-09-11T03:29:00.003+08:00

lover's reading of each other's bodies

(of that concentrate of mind and body which lovers use)

If one wanted to depict the whole thing graphically, every episode, with its climax, would require a three-dimensional model, perhaps four-dimensional, or, rather, no model: every experience is unrepeatable. What makes lovemaking and reading resemble each other most is that within them times and spaces open, different from measurable time and space.

calvino <3>

2008-09-09T14:50:00.002+08:00

wake up slow

can't you see that it's raining
aint no need to go outside
baby
maybe we could sleep in
make you banana pancakes pretend like its the weekend
yeah we could pretend that all the time
we could close the curtains
pretend there's no world outside
yeah we could pretend that all the time

<3>

2008-09-03T16:45:00.007+08:00

faith

I am speechless before You

I am nothing without You, my Lord

today You are in the rain

and today I am not afraid

2008-08-28T23:45:00.002+08:00

move

"... When age and forgetfulness sweeten memory

Only like a dream that has often been told

And often been changed in the telling. They will seem

unreal.

Human kind cannot bear much reality."

eliot

2008-08-16T12:21:00.006+08:00

written in the future tense:

for liyan

The rain today was nothing but a humid idea that swam amongst our feet: warm and mysterious, profound and unwanting. We have believed all there is to believe, invoked everything there was to invoke, became broken for all that was broken. Then at night, the moon seemed closer to us, but kept its own usual grey idea: because some things don't change. here we are now, our hearts quiet and learning; our hopes drawn and redrawn, sketched and resketched; and still i do not know what it is about the rain that makes me want to write and dream and hope and love.

charlyn

2008-08-09T22:12:00.002+08:00

prose

today my nephew tumbled up into my lap, reached up to touch my cheek and told me (in his own genuine way), that he missed and loved me. suddenly everything i've been feeling for the past few weeks caught up to me, and it felt .. alright.

i've missed you too, i said.

strangely enough, it felt like my words were meant for something larger and unknown, something worn out and out worn, something tired .. like the old smell of rain.

2008-06-06T00:03:00.002+08:00

part of myself, unwritten

I feel like I am losing myself; or perhaps it is no one else has found me. My words have forgotten how to be delicate and fragile and vulnerable; even when they do, it is just for a moment, and they spend more time in my head than they do on paper. No, I have not found what the rain is like, nor the texture of dreams against my bare skin (or the colour of your kiss) : too many things have been left unwritten.

2008-06-02T00:27:00.003+08:00

12:48am

Good things are happening, and if anything; they must be kept away from you. Above all else, I am terrified of our worlds meeting: first a delicate glance, a warm touch, an inadvertent kiss; then the grazing of cold raw skin, ruin - You are impatient for it. They will be kept away from your sharp hands; anxious to tear apart every piece of clothing skin muscle heart aspiration emotion.

As for now, it is 12:48am in my world; and today I will find myself in the sun and in your arms, and write about dreams as you tickle me with your kisses.

2008-05-29T23:23:00.003+08:00

circus

Tomorrow, it has been told to me, a good thing happens. And strangely enough, the dream has become overworn, washed out, dried up, dusted down and torn apart. I want to say to them, I am sorry, but I cannot, I cannot be a part of this. If what is written is emotion, then it is precisely this emotion that must be breathed, that must be carressed, that must be whispered, that must be read - that must be read only in the quiet of rain, with the quiet of mind, by the quietest of hearts. If emotion speaks to emotion in a language so raw, so profound, so impenetrable and yet is still able to move us; then we are only hands, severed hands grasping pens, translating the unwritten on bloodied pages. Emotion to emotion, understand: I am not part of this. The thought depresses me: that this is the fate our words must meet - to be read aloud, to be taught to pose in the spotlight. Or maybe its just hormones and nerves.

2008-05-20T19:56:00.003+08:00

privation

There are shadows everywhere, and the lights are hard to switch on. Even when they finally find themselves, they restrain themselves from screaming relief. If vertigo is the overwhelming panic when you look down, then the looking up must just be overwhelming alone.

2008-05-02T22:11:00.003+08:00

concrete

Recently I've discovered that I've been able to think parallel thoughts simultaneously; it's very very strange, and yet I like to think my newfound skill is comparable to Affleck's uncanny ability to pretend to be blind (it really is terribly difficult). Notably it is a skill that needs some polishing, for occasionally my thoughts get crossed with each other and I run out of words. It's strange, this running out of words. What's stranger is the words we have - we say things we don't mean and mean things we don't say; and then we make promises and swear our love upon the basis of these very words again - these words that appear and vanish and reappear and disappear in the wind of our thoughts. We stand on very shaky ground, and ironically this is the very thing that we constantly use to ground ourselves. If today, I were to say: a rose is a rose is a rose; would it still smell sweeter than any other name as it did in Stein's time? In a minute, I will shut my eyes and deny every single adjective qualifier quantifier; and words would mean what they mean - and yet I am reluctant to: in fear of denying everything else that is beautifully convoluted in this language. In a minute. Right now, I'll be content to just shut my eyes and know that I have you.

What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?

2008-05-01T13:53:00.004+08:00

if m is for mother,

Then it is decided - I will have nothing more to do with you (your harsh words, your spiteful love, your despicable sexual palate): ironically i did need you once (a wound that grows every single day) to bring me into this world; and if decisions and circumstances are definition of a person, then everything i do now is solely an attempt to divorce myself from you. I write this to ground myself, amongst all your emotional sabotages (which sneak up on me every single day). Today I say to myself: This is who I want to be, this is the life that I have made for myself, this is the road that I have chosen to take. I repeat my last name to myself (of my father's origin, of which you have also emotionlessly divorced yourself from, literally and figuratively); and tell myself that I am safe: as long as I learn to love differently from you.

2008-04-22T23:34:00.001+08:00

and if they ask why

This charm is wasted on the earth and sky,
Tell them, .., that if eyes were made for seeing,
Then Beauty is its own excuse for being:
Why thou wert there, O rival of the rose!
I never thought to ask, I never knew:
But, in my simple ignorance, suppose
The self-same Power that brought me there brought you.

(: <3

2008-04-13T22:41:00.003+08:00

box

Predictably enough, I have become reluctant to blog in fear of posting over my favourite poem, and in even bigger fear that no one will be bothered enough to scroll down to read it. Lately I have begun to come to terms with the fact that language is only the dress of thought; and I say begun because some huge part of me still wishes that there would be a way to communicate emotion in the most raw, most clean, most unadulterated way. Yes I still do love them words words words words words but I hate how expression and communication is the most dirty process - strangely enough, I'd prefer milk straight from the cow herself, not some cold processing cheese making machine (do not judge my scientific vocabulary, i have a C+ for integrated science). Admittedly I am finding it increasingly difficult to say things in a manner that I like, and yet what's even more strange is that I do agree with that Shklovsky: the struggle for words is almost an art in itself. Then again, who am i to judge what art or what strange is? Maybe this is just part of our nasty habit of trying to put everything abstract into a box: we really are strange - maybe we need to put ourselves into a box. Oh right, Freud has already done that. See, everything is adulterated. (:

2008-03-24T22:02:00.003+08:00

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me,i and
my life will shut very beautifully,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain, has such small hands

cummings

yet who are we to judge ourselves? we are but only lovers, our hair still caught in the wind and our seatbelts unfastened: our faith is fragile.

2008-03-14T00:47:00.005+08:00

epiphany

as you tailor your disguise,
we watch and
desperately
(breathe it softly: it is a whisper
that escapes your lips and is lost)
hope to be wind-swept; simultaneously
caught
up with the light feathered grass from the field we lie on,
triumphant against gravity (just as you already seem to be):

only to realise that what we have made for ourselves can

not be put into any gaudy gift-box; nor terms we so often construe to make the inhuman human, the illogical logical; or the parameters we limitlessly construct in our circumcision of the unexplained, to lock ourselves within a sanctuary (according to what we perceive to be sanctified).

no (say it firmly: it has transformed into a verb, commanding action)

what we have made for ourselves has, in its early stages already been wind-swept, it is already caught up with the wind, and now (in our human terms) it takes flight.

we have watched you define yourselves, now see us fight to undefine ourselves.

<3

it's really been a while since i've felt like this, i've missed it; my writing is growing (i feel it); and so does my love for the game and the people that have always been there to break my fall (physically and emotionally, i am witty); they never change, even when everything else does.

On our best and worst days we are poetry in its most raw and achingly genuine form - unafraid of complete unadulterated emotion being painted into words.

our season's starting (:

play hard, play smart, play together

2008-02-22T23:48:00.002+08:00

I dreamed you were a poem, I say, A poem I wanted to show someone..
And I laugh and fall dreaming again of the desire to show you to everyone I love
To move openly together
In the pull of gravity, which is not simple, Which carries the feathered grass a long way down from the upbreathing air.

adrienne rich

2008-02-10T13:54:00.000+08:00

(: (: (: (: (: (: (: (:

"In the meantime, if you demand on one hand,
the raw material of poetry in
all its rawness and
that which is on the other hand
genuine, then you are interested in poetry."

marianne moore

2007-12-15T13:16:00.000+08:00

Untitled (1)

"When there has been so much love .. it is natural to be reluctant .. to close such a wonderful chapter in our lives. For moving forward is rarely accomplished without considerable grief and sadness. And while our sorrow may be profound ... soon we will find ourselvesfacing a glorious future of exciting challenges .. and infinite possibility..."

Yesterday and today found myself feeling profoundly inadequate, and helplessly lost without you two. Secretly I'm scared and afraid, afraid and scared. Understand i'm doing the best i can, and always thinking of you.

2007-12-11T22:43:00.000+08:00

i'll stand with my arms high and heart abandoned

in awe of the One who gave it all

i'll stand; my soul Lord, to you surrendered

all i am is yours.

2007-12-04T00:11:00.000+08:00

Spontaneity

for the broken

If I could,
I’d spread my arms wide (like I could fly!)
And compress the prettiest day: (imagine

folding up a row of rain trees
(like origami!); wiping
up the sunlight; sweeping
in the quiet (your voice)
flutter (my heart)
of butterflies; and wrapping
up the brown (almost like your
eyes ) brown sparrows.)

I’d put it (very
very carefully) into an empty paper bag and

inflate

it (like a balloon!) with
the warm
warm summer wind still caught in the wisps of my hair

Then I’d hug it (tightly, but
being careful not to break it) and give it to you, crumpled, (but only
from my embrace).

charlyn magnus

i'm back i'm back i'm back!

And don't worry mr x, i'm still writing (:

2007-11-17T11:09:00.000+08:00

notice to comply

You can't be everything you want to be

Before your time

Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight.

Take the phone off the hook

And disappear for a while

It's alright you can afford to lose a day or two.

when will you realise

Vienna waits for you.

be back in a while, loves! (:

2007-10-18T21:42:00.000+08:00

eurasian

Today, the chinese cab driver happily said to me in pretend american accented chinese (as i got in touch with my other (unfortunately, not better) half):

"多讲华语，少讲 ang moh"

will do, will do.

2007-10-10T21:34:00.000+08:00

old lovers

i have a million things to say (much of them aren't incredibly pleasant); so i'll just say that

i love the way my hand's starting to smell like glove again. (:

i know you've missed it too!

2007-09-30T15:59:00.000+08:00

definition?

Nothing false,nothing difficult or easy or small or colossal.

Nothing ordinary or extraordinary,nothing emptied or filled,real or unreal;nothing feeble and known or clumsy and guessed.

Nothing believed or doubted;brain over heart, surface:nowhere hating or to fear;shadow,mind without soul.

Never the murdered finalities of wherewhen and yesno,impotent nongames of wrongright and rightwrong;never to gain or pause,never the soft adventure of undoom,greedy anguishes and cringing ecstasies of inexistence;never to rest and never to have;only to grow.

Always the beautiful answer who asks a more beautiful question.

e e cummings

2007-09-22T20:35:00.000+08:00

eloquence and anger

/"you just don't know what you have and how lucky you are."

"well, neither do you."\

it's scary how one solidly unique situation can melt into something so malleable upon hindsight; the words meant for that single situation now ringing true for a million others. - the science of quiet reflection maybe.

apply this, you'll see what i mean.

2007-08-29T11:30:00.000+08:00

ambition

sweetheart i'll change the world,

and still you'd be my biggest fan!

2007-08-18T23:05:00.000+08:00

the story of our lifes

how would your thousand words look like?

2007-07-12T22:51:00.000+08:00

made me wonder how many moments that really have taken your breath away have seriously been caught on film:

In these small hours

These little wonders,

These twists & turns of fate.

It's incredibly hard to focus on all the things that are wrong with the the world, when there are people who are so right in my world; and by being in it, only serve to amplify all things beautiful, magnify all things gorgeous, and intensify everything that is so right in this world.

what about you,

what moments would you frame up?

you'd be in every one of mine!

2007-06-30T19:30:00.000+08:00

There's a thing in my pocket, but it's not one thing, it's many.
It's the same as other things but exactly like nothing else.
It has an eye and an ear that shares what billions of humans see.
It's not a living thing, but if you feed it it will grow.
It can rally the masses, it can silence the crowd.
It can speak a thousand words but it has no voice.
It can find you the places so you can get lost.
And it can let others feel what you've just been touched by
There's a thing in my pocket,
but it's not one thing, it's many.

I sure as hell don't believe this is just about a phone [:

I know you don't either

2007-06-18T20:25:00.000+08:00

if the space between words were a language

we'd communicate with silence.

i love how we already can (:

2007-05-27T14:06:00.000+08:00

Lovers and madmen have such seething brains, Such shaping fantasies, that apprehend/More than cool reason ever comprehends. The lunatic, the lover and the poet/Are of imagination all compact: One sees more devils than vast hell can hold, That is, the madman: the lover, all as frantic, Sees Helen's beauty in a brow of Egypt: The poet's eye, in fine frenzy rolling, Doth glance from heaven to earth, from earth to heaven; And as imagination bodies forth/The forms of things unknown, the poet's pen/Turns them to shapes and gives to airy nothing/A local habitation and a name.

can you take me higher?
Well i'm looking forward to it. (:

2007-05-01T17:39:00.000+08:00

i think that the biggest thing that freaks me out, is when the people who're always supposed to have all the right answers, tell me they wish they knew.

But what beats that hands down is when the same people confirm your already sinking suspicions of the harsh reality.

oh gorgeous
how the tables have turned
like i do to you.

2007-04-29T00:19:00.000+08:00

But what good is a heart
When it shudders to speak

Love someone enough, and you'll come to find that your heart breaks along with theirs;
it's an inescapable tug at the beginning, and then you find yourself struggling in a chokehold of frustration, as you desperately wish you could give them so much more than all you have/all you can give, and fix the pieces back together at the drop of a hat (if you have a hat!); or say, "it's ohkay", but you can't, because thing's aren't fine.

And it's all you can do to hope, that what you have to give will make things at least a little better, till everything blows over.

oh say, can you say
i'm only a thought away (:

2007-04-22T22:25:00.000+08:00

Come away,

Watch the dawn break through the day

Today i am reminded of how life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences; But rather it's a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan.

To love and to be loved
If there is something else that makes me genuinely happy other than knowing that i am loved, it's being able to love. To love someone enough that you'll give them the cream side of your Oreo/Your longest French Fry/Last glass of hot chocolate; or very simply, an unabashed smile just to see them smile. (: To be delighted for no other reason than the selfless one of taking delight in their delight. (:

Falling
So would you sit with me, as i watch
Night fall;
The people i love fall
in love;
Myself as i've fallen, and am still falling
likewise;
Myself as i begin to learn to fall
in His presence and grace;
And Everything around me fall
into place?

Look, and you'll find
Yes.
I'd sit with you,
as you look for all that;
and as you find what i have.
As you realise, like i have
the very wonder that has picked out every single thread with His bare hands,
the very wonder that has threaded every single one of those threads through the needle with His bare hands,
the very wonder that has so exquisitely tailored a stunningly beautiful culmination of people and events that is life.

Come away,

Watch the dawn break through the day

till the hour stops the sunlight;

and realise

that it's only night.

2007-04-14T19:57:00.000+08:00

hellomehnus(: says:
if i were a ruby player i'd tackle do ro thy c
hellomehnus(: says:
*RUGBY
hellomehnus(: says:
AHHAAH RUBY
hellomehnus(: says:
TOUCH RUBY!!
jiahuiiiiiiiii says:
I WILLINGLY LOSE!

friday was spent catching a random furry (and very possibly, poisonous) caterpillar/attempting to sabotaj the usual friday lecture/entertaining muderous thoughts/walking around barefoot in the field/burying a (hopefully) dead earthworm/attempting to help myself run faster/feeling jaded at the thought of no more future barefoot walks(soon-to-be synthetic field)/feeling estatic at the new batting cage/asking the same random questions which still are funny/chasing birds/singing the same song at least 20 times which still is stuck in my head/getting creeped out by some campaigns/trying to simulate an autumn environment to cheer up the jaded (apparently, not everyone likes falling leaves)/

Nothing life changing;
and yet nothing i'd miss for the world.

It's been awhile.

Then again,
Life isn't incredibly complex;
it isn't an incredibly intricate a web as we sometimes make it out to be,

And Gorgeous,
If my words
Don’t
quite
come
together;
Listen to the melody,
And there you’ll find

The wonder
That tailors each snowflake
And keeps the stars apart:

Like Dr Seuss would say;
oh say
can you say;
i'm just glad you're in my life [:

and after all

you're my wonderwall. :]

2007-04-11T21:31:00.000+08:00

Draw me close to You
Never let me go
I lay it all down again

I hate the awful way insecurities tend to creep up on you when you least expect it; whether you're a seven year old who simply can't tie his shoelaces, a seventeen year old who begins to doubt his self-worth, or a seventy year old who feels like he's too old to live life. And just like the unexpected way insecurities always creep up on you, sometimes so do other things.

You are my desire
No one else will do

You, You're incredible. You know that i've been wanting this so badly for so long, i've been wanting to fall in love with You again, and I've been wanting to feel you again, and I've been wanting to have the same relationship that i did years ago with You.

And finally, today, I felt You (:

I felt You, in my long talk with Julie; as she gave me answers that were so unexpectedly perfect, in every sense of the word. I felt You, as the three of us sat there, waiting. The same three of us. (:

I got home, and I asked You: Was that You? I want You so much, but where are you?

And just like that, You answered.

You answered through an email from someone i hardly expected to hear from; someone whom i hadn't heard from since the exchange ended two years ago - Linda Voegele. You answered through the subject of the email: Someone over here really misses you.

You're all I want
You're all I ever needed
You're all I want
Help me know You are near

I guess Insecurities will never disappear just with a few words, or sheer determination and willpower. But sometimes i guess all we need to do is pretty simple: reach out, and find security in the ones we love and who loves us for who we are. reach out, and maybe you'll come to find so much more than you were looking for;

Me? Today i found something that i thought i'd lost a long time ago, only to realise it was always there; and He was just waiting for me to reach out for it.

I love you, Lord.

2007-04-09T00:20:00.000+08:00

Herbstzeitlosen

Fuer uns,
denen der Pfosten der Tuer verbrannt ist,
an dem die Jahre der Kindheit
Zentimeter fuer Zentimeter
eingetragen waren.

Die wir keinen Baum
in unseren Garten pflanzten
um den Stuhl
in seinen wachsenden Schattern zu stellen.

Die wir am Huegel niedersetzen
als seien wir zu Hirten bestellt
der Wolkenschafe, die auf der blauen
Weide ueber der Ulmen dahinziehn.

Fuer uns,
die Stehts unterwegs sind
- lebenslaengliche Reise
wie zwischen Planeten -
nach einem neuen Beginn.

Fuer uns
stehen die Herbstzeitlosen auf
in den braunen Wiesen des Sommers
und der Wald fuellt sich
mit Brombeeren und Hagebutten -

Damit wir in den Spiegel sehen
und es lernen
unser Gesicht zu lesen,
in dem die Ankunft,
sich langsam entbloesst.

Things change;

but Gorgeous,

not all flowers bloom only in the Springtime.

2007-03-13T21:42:00.000+08:00

i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)
i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

life really is beautiful,
just stop trying so hard to look for its beauty,
'cause it's right there:
in the azure and grey skies, in the rain and the washed up streets,
and in the people you know that love you [:

so, what about you?
what's your secret, the one that's keeping the stars in your sky apart? [:

2007-02-26T21:40:00.000+08:00

things cant be perfect
all the time
that i know
sometimes we just have to let some things go

Suppose I said
Colors change for no good reason
And words will go
From poetry to prose

Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?

There's something strangely beautiful about the unintentionally harsh way the morning sun gets in your eyes. Its a heartmelting beauty that tugs at the heart and at the lips; and reminds you of the tapestry of all the little things and people that eventually culminate into an exquisite work of art, that is life.

Things can't be perfect, so stop beating yourself up for things that were out of your hands or for things that you can't change anymore; stop kicking yourself for letting people down, and just let it go.

and remember that rain falls, like people in love do.

There's something oddly comforting about the stars in the night sky. One of the things in life that you can count on to always be there, unchanging. And yet, not the only one.

so go run around the track in the rain and meet halfway for a pseudo-hug; run across the field barefoot and chase the birds; hide in a steeplechase; lie down on the track and watch the stars come out; have a random picnic on a random spot in the field; slide and roll around in the mud just for the fun of it; try and eat a 12 inches subway sandwhich the fastest; jump in and out of swimming pools; stuff candle wax back into a birthday cake to surprise the birthday girl; roll your way back to the grandstand from the track; sneak into the courts to play tennis in your full grey; attempt cartwheels on the field without any hand-leg coordination; get trashed at arcade games; look hot in sarees and everything else; get the sexiest abs in the world; crawl under a pick-up truck; hitchhike; attempt to plant flowers; stuff your head in a rubbish bag; get stuck in revolving doors; imitate cookie monster; sit under the stars and watch the planes go by; spend your day on a bench in a pretty park; invent games; jump in and out of ice buckets;

thank you,
for loving me. every single day.

and i love you guys for that [:

suppose i said,
you're my saving grace?

2007-01-01T16:20:00.000+08:00

what makes for a perfect kodak moment?

moments that speak for themselves, i guess.
moments so natural and not posed for, maybe.

on the whole, the moments that take your breath away [;

das Leben misst sich nicht im Sekundentakt,

sondern in Momenten,

die Dir Atem geraubt haben.

2006-12-12T22:45:00.000+08:00

it's been awhile, i honestly believe no one reads this anymore. hooray, speculation is a dangerous thing.

lately i've been getting so caught up in a tangled, complicated mass of things, and my attempts at straightening things out have just left me feeling more helpless and frustrated.

so maybe things don't have to be so complicated, well at least not in the way i make them out to be.

Life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. But rather it's a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan.

'cause really, when it comes down to it,

things are just as simple as they ever were from the start.

2006-11-09T12:43:00.000+08:00

The first half of yesterday was spent getting high on ourselves, i.e: singing random/made up songs, hearing with our hands, making a mess, talking about john mayo and westclub fanclub.

it was something i didnt know how much i'd missed. [:

damn you, for taking a team with people so commited, passionate and bonded and degrading something so awesome to nothing more than a mere keynote in your little speech.

damn you, for taking advantage of someone whom is still capable of being so nice to you, in spite of what you've done to her. I feel sad for you, only because you'll never know how lucky you were/are.

the amount of respect that i have for you?

go figure.

2006-11-04T01:03:00.000+08:00

my holidays are awesome, they'd beat your crappy ones hands down [;

now to the essence of this post:

white ninja, i lubb cheww (((((:

2006-09-30T20:41:00.000+08:00

it's nice when life surprises you,
and you get more than you'd hoped for.
[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[:

i couldnt have done it without you. [:

2006-09-30T09:52:00.000+08:00

it's scary to think that how something that you've put so much effort into, had so much passion for, in the last four years could, at the very end of it all not be reflective of that passion and effort.

it scares me,
and i dont know what to expect.

whatever it is, i hope that i'll have enough grace to deal with it.

2006-09-22T23:45:00.000+08:00

got this off b'stick's blog [;

... i would like to thank the dinosaur that ate up my frog on the way to school for that fun escape from BOMBS. yeah well. here is how it went. we were all so stoned. walking... walking after lunch. 2hr to kill. so it was like. okay lets go. i was heading up the stairwell when charlyn said LETS WALK IN THE RAIN. i looked at her. and said OKAY. -walks to the sheltered area- O.O wow. the rain seems heavy. walks out 3 steps. *stops*. HMM. TOO HEAVY. forget it. -turns around and walks the other way- then it hit me. if i keep being so humchi, my life would be so fricking boring. SO WHAT THE HECK. LETS GO. just when we began to walk in the rain, the siren rang. and i said can we run? the rain is so heavy. so running through the rain, splashing into puddles. heh. returning back to class, jiayi informs us that the j1 class was laughing at us. WHY? i had no idea till like 5 min ago. when yirong informed me that it was her class that was laughing at us. yirong: the civics lesson, our civics tutor told us that YES it is romantic taking walks in the rain. but please refrain from doing that cause you might fall sick during your promos. and then. after saying all that. my class sees you and your friend taking three steps out into the rain. and then they burst out laughing. then you walk back in. then the siren rings, and you start running out. (then something about BOMBS)

well here is the story that charlyn and i have.
hellomehnus(; says:why, surely they mock us not?
[buddha jump over the wall鈩⒙ jump serve and volley. says:hahaha course they do
the bombs were coming!
we had no choice but to run
theyre just jealous!
of course
we knew that the bombs were coming
they didnt
AHAHAHA
we escaped with lives,
and pride.
YES
AND
wet clothes...
wet feet.
aha! see the prowers of the mighty duo?it is the stupid little things that you do that make you smile when you look back on your life...

thanks fer the [: moment.

2006-08-27T11:22:00.000+08:00

i'd just like to say that i'm lucky to have such HOT and amazing team mates [[[:

2006-08-12T18:59:00.000+08:00

i tell you, liyan has spread her loser-ness to me.

so yesterday we were supposed to meet mrtong at 7:15.

so i woke up at 7, freaked out for 5 minutes and hit my toe on something, before finally calming down and deciding that if i cabbed i could still make it.

so i waited for a cab till 7:20, (i still dont know why i bothered getting on it). anyveh, the cab driver took the wrong u-turn , and then couldnt find another u-turn to u-turn back to the right u-turn.

so i got there at 7:39, just in time to hear mr tong wrapping up the meeting.

so liyan and i laughed at me for about 3 minutes and i realised we might not make it to assembly on time.

the best part? the damn cab cost TWELVE BUCKS, and i wasn't even on time, i.e: i had to run to make it for assembly. (not running was not an option, considering i had spent TWELVE BUCKS ON A RIDE IN AN UGLY BLUE BOX THAT SMELT LIKE PANDAN FEET.)

the rest of the day was as klfjjdadl'fl;'dsf;'ldsfkls as the morning, but the most memorable incident would be getting hit by liyan's pitch.

it's coming out to be a nice bruise though[[:

liyan, i steel really do lub chew [:

and today just felt extremely empty.

since i'm appearing to be somewhat emoxz, i'd just like to tell some lovely people, to, as someone's grades would say: F.O.F.F (=

2006-08-02T22:32:00.000+08:00

charlyn, it really isn't february anymore.

so what the hell are you doing?

2006-07-25T20:13:00.001+08:00

give me my teammates anyday.

our relationships are so simple. no politics, no hate, no gossip, no nothing.

the rest of the world reads in between the lines too much.

'cause sometimes, my dears,

in between those lines,

there's really nothing there.

but hey, who's to stop you from trying to

decipher

blanks? i mean, if it makes

your

life any less pathetic,

be my guest. (=

2006-07-23T23:03:00.000+08:00

HELLO(: says:
PLEASE BRING YOUR WAFFLE IRON TMR
HELLO(: says:
OR I WILL IRON YOUR FACE
hello(: says:
HELLOOOOOOOOO
hello(: says:
AND YES!THE WAFFLE IRON IS BESIDE ME NOW!
HELLO(: says:
PLEASE PUT THE IRON IN YOUR BAG NOW
HELLO(: says:
OR I WILL IRON YOUR FACE
hello(: says:
NO!
hello(: says:
MY BAG IS TOO SMALL!
hello(: says:
IF MY BAG SPOILS...I'M GONNA IRON YOUR FACE!
HELLO(: says:
IF YOU DONT PUT IT IN YOUR BAG,
HELLO(: says:
I'LL IRON YOUR FACE
HELLO(: says:
talking to you cracks me up
HELLO(: says:
like cracking an egg but not.
hello(: says:
I'LL IRON YOUR FACE AND HAIR IF YOU FORCE ME TO!
HELLO(: says:
OMG IM GOING TO PUT THIS ON MY BLOG
hello(: says:
YOU HAVE A BLOG?!
hello(: says:
GIVE ME YOUR URL BEFORE YOU TURN CHAOTA
HELLO(: says:
WHAT
hello(: says:
hold it
HELLO(: says:
LIKE HOLD YOUR HORSES!
hello(: says:
-GALLOPS-...YES?

and random moment:

wendy: shaojian can i call you choyjian
sj: can i call you toilet?!

shaojian, you make me so happy.

2006-07-20T23:22:00.000+08:00

the past few days have been short of any emozx-ness, simply because of seeing my gorgeous teammates and doing our usual thanggg and oh you too.

read mel's blog, and this entry really made me tear up:

Softball, is a word that reminds me of not only the sport, but of the friends I'd made. Reminds me of injuries and how we'd link that to a certain someone's presence although that's purely superstitious. HAHA.Reminds me of clemmy's high-pitched "HERE!" and wanting's screams and coach saying "Everything also scream!" HAHAHA. Reminds me of liyan and charlyn's craziness... but underneath the pure determination to train hard just like the rest of the team. Reminds me of Shaojian trying to jump for a linedrive as 3rd baser, trying to field the fast grounder in the linkway while we all cheered her on. Reminds me of Wendy and how Coach always tells her "Curve back! Don't run straight to the ball!" And reminds me of Fadz and how coach made her wear the sarong during training (hehehe). And reminds me of Yawen and how she played in the game against HC despite having a fever and her eyes all swollen.

Reminds me of Joyce and Liyan and how they had to pitch 20 strikes, each time they pitch in a ball we'd have to do 5 pushups. Which is ofcourse nothing compared to them having to pitch. Yet they'd always feel guilty and esp liyan, she'd go "sorry sorry..." Reminds me of Steph and her wonderful sliding which she'd demo over and over to newbie-sliders. Reminds me of Evelyn and her ham ji peng glove which coach and the team loves to tease her about. Reminds me of liting and how gentle she is until she got bullied by the guys and how our team shouted at the guys team for bullying her, and of how she encouraged the team on even though she hardly played.

Which reminds me of Evelyn exasperatedly trying to teach me how to scorekeep, and coach wanting to strangle me for my blurness and coach sharon giving me a half-pitying, half-warning look. Reminds me of coach yumei and how she screamed at us after each strike (at batter's plate, not pitcher's plate duh) or screwup, how she blasted us so badly after an SRC game at the war memorial that it almost awoken "Our glorious dead." hahaha. Coach sharon and how yumei would tell us about her power throw and bunting and running and how she'd tell her to stop but she'd take off her cap and brush back her very cool hair in a very ego manner. how fadz and I went "sharon!!!" very excitedly when we saw her. Reminds me of how we look up to coach and fear her at the same time. Kinda reminds me of ms ng in a way.. chieh and dory would know what I mean.

Reminds me of Choonyee and her complaints bout her own hair and her outrageous stretches and jumps when she plays 1st base. Reminds me of how vulgar the guys team is and how we'd shout at them to watch their language. Reminds me of Wendy smsing me telling me to wear the froggy shirt we both have. Reminds me of how charlyn walked me to the main gate one time when I was injured. Reminds me of lydia and her ambitions to be a shitologist and how she talks about her family esp her very scary sister. Reminds me of how lydia and I blame our glove (we have the same glove) for bringing us bad luck and injuries. Reminds me of how I scoffed at coach's superstitions to realise that I have lots of them myself.. :p Reminds me of how lydia and I always mix our gloves up and bring each other's glove home..

Reminds me of my fave bat: Dr Dot, and my glove which I call my darling. Reminds me of my nike cleats and clemmy's purple shoelaces and yawen's pink ones. Reminds me of curry wok and thai noodle house and KAP and Adam food centre lunches after Sat trngs.

Of the psychotic midnight hunt for clemmy and joyce. Of june's camp. Of blindfolds and eggs and balloons and raffia string. Reminds me of the endless smses to update Mr tong and ms ling bout injuries. Reminds me of Coach and her supply of first aid. Coach and her debriefs, which made us laugh, which made us cry, which made us stronger, which made us more together.Reminds me of much much more things that simply cannot be put so simply

just a whole lot of memories. i miss the seniors, though trg is still as retarded and fun, i feel like something really big's missing.

yes, i AM aware my blog entries are starting to seem like propaganda to make people join softball, but hey, why shouldnt you anyway.

2006-07-16T22:24:00.000+08:00

seriously, what more could i ask for?

XIAO JIE MEN, WO AI SI NI MEN! [:

2006-07-02T13:40:00.001+08:00

i larb 05ipLUMUT.

Video Hosting - Upload Video - Video Sharing
well here's something else:
it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you.

talk doesnt affect me anymore. not as much as you do, anyway. [:

2006-06-20T11:24:00.000+08:00

pigeons of the UN:

so the past entries have been somewhat incoherent and emozxzx but hey at least they're short and not emozxxz in the sense where i go: we all flirt with the tiniest notion of self conclusion in one simplified motion. (self-conclusion by spill canvas)

hopelessly addicted to spill canvas, TEN CHEWP MEHCURDY.

the holidays have been filled with trg on the weekdays and matches on the saturdays and sundays, and considering that i see my teammates almost everyday, and you in between, life is gooooooooood. can't imagine being ip4 and not having trg, life would feel so empty.

WOO obs tmr for the next 10 days so feel free to miss secretary-general KOFI ANAN.

faces of death.

<3
mehnus

2006-06-03T15:21:00.001+08:00

things dont have to be so complicated.

i should remember that.
and so should some people out there, because when it really comes down to it, it isnt just all about you.

2006-05-08T21:41:00.000+08:00

so that's how it's going to be, huh?

things are changing way too fast, and not in a good sense. and no one can do anything about it, though we're gonna fight so hard.

damn, i feel old. ]:

well anyways here's some entertainment, old folks.

hmm.

mr w.t : the epitome of masculinity.

physics: finding the CG fer the rayshio voodoo doll.

mr lee: heh, who knew rubber bungs were so amusing.
sixuan: bung bung rubber bung rubber bung. what a funny word.

why, thanks rayshio.

i like this.

the nai-cha incident [;

thealiensarecomingthealiensarecoming.

when thursday assemblys were in the hall.

need we say more?

du fehlst uns [:

if this entry made you laugh or cry, you owe me 68.90 bucks.

have fun in assesment week, apple juices.

2006-03-19T23:31:00.000+08:00

self - centered.

gosh, i've been so stupid.

and this time,
i seriously don't know what i'm going to do about it.

2006-02-26T20:06:00.000+08:00

when life starts to suck, i guess its the little things that put you back on track again.

little things like a online convo with a brother who's 874973248724 miles away in brunei doing some NS attachment.

iaian says:
hey lil sis
iaian says:
ya know wat
iaian says:
i miss you

i teared up when i read that, and considering that terence called me heartless because i didnt cry at all during gua sha, i would say that i was pretty much very touched. hahah.

touched 'cause it was coming from the 21 year old guy who never ever could express how he felt (angry or happy, didnt matter). touched 'cause it was coming from that guy whom i never thought would be able to put the words i and you in the same sentence at all.

everyone's getting all eMoZxXzX (me included) and i guess i really needed those three words to make me realise how much i really am loved. and remember the people who've known me all my life, put up with my crap everyday (honestly i dont know how they do it, if i cant stand myself sometimes), and still love me.

other little things like that friday run. it made my day too, let's do it again sometime. [; thanks, you.

more little things like the stuff that boredom can drive you to do include:

waking up in physics to rayshio's voice saying: if you move, you're scrwd. you will be seriously screwed. as he sticks thumbtacks into my hair.

acting like a hippie.

no comments.
explicit stretching. LOL.

well other little things like a cOOlIOXz river model in 0.0007 seconds, complete with DOWNY SOFT SHEEP, REALISTIC COWS, and bridges and palms.

or just simply getting high on LIQUID ALCHOHOL-FILLED french chocolate from your german teacher with the few people you've been halfway across the world with and back.

a pretttyyyy great week, and it's gonna be an even better one ahead.

2006-02-16T22:53:00.000+08:00

du, schließt mein Tage ab.

mon dieu, c'est dommage.

as much as i want to, i cant.

ich weiss nicht warum. ]:

and bird flu's in germany.

oh ducks this sucks.

2006-02-13T00:52:00.000+08:00

es erschrickt mich, wann ich habe erkannt, wie wichtig du zu mir geworden bist.

2006-02-12T00:05:00.000+08:00

so give me a moment and scroll down past the german.

jetzt werde ich auf deutsch schreiben, weil ich so viel treibe um. ich bin zu faul alles auf englisch schreiben, deswegen muss ich vage reden. Auf deutsch, kann nur ELAINE und LINDA.(lest ihr das noch? ahah) Sie sind die zwei Leute, dass deutsch verstehen koennen. (: ich liebe euch!

SOWIESO.

r hat gesagt, dass wir zwei so anders sind. Dann habe ich gesagt: Naja, Gegensaetze ziehen sich an! Ich war so ganz sicher, aber jetzt. R hat recht, und dieses woche habe ich erkannt dass, unsere Charakters so unterschiedlich sind. Am Freitag habe ich fuer die dritte mal dieses jahr zu spaet in die Schule gekommen. Wann ich habe meine Karte tappen und vor mrtong weggelauft, habe ich gedacht: du wuerde dieses nie machen. Immer hast du alles Hausaufgaben gemacht, alles klassen gehen. Und ich. Dieses jahr war ich so wie in st margs, mache etwas ich moecht. warum? ich habe keine idee. vielleicht bin ich zu muede - immer ausreichend bemuehen, und niemand giving a shit.

Uebringens, ich bin suechtig nach dich.

WELCOME BACK TO ENGLAND, SCONE-PEOPLE.

ohkayohkay updating after 5 years, to quote justin leong.

ive always got so much to blog about, but im lazy to be vague about it. so i end up not blogging. HAWHAW. blogged in german instead. [:

well. headed to NUH ystd to visit COACH!

SHE LOOKS SO UN-POSTOP LIKE. she still could tell me that she cant wait to come back for trg and shoot rubberbands at me. was kept highly amused for the rest of the evening by her sa jiao-ness and melwantingyawen. (: lurbezzxx lurbezxzx.

so we left NUH at like 8:45 and mel and i camerawhored to entertain ourselves for like 97349274 stops in the MRT. she is such a bad influence i tell you.

ohkay the rest are too embarrassing.

CWO today and there was quite an amazing number of people. unsurprisingly gay. wrote a proposal for next year's CNY activities, an essay on chinese culture, a poem on CNY and a reflection. YEEHA I'LL BET YOU'RE OOZING WITH JEALOUSY.

things lightened up after i sneaked out for breakfast with mel and shuqi, who were LATE for lit and too scared to go in. amusing morning thanks to SOMEONE who OFFERED to teach fangyu and her fellows HOW TO DANCE AND RAP. AHAHA.

anyhow

beautiful day today and thanks to you,

i didnt let it get away. [:

2006-01-28T16:05:00.000+08:00

things've been a little more than screwed up lately. ]: and i'm so tired of trying to fix things when people obviously dont give a shit.

thanks to people like g, j, r and y i've managed to keep it all together. [: thanks you nehnehs.

downloaded the new FALLOUT BOY album (from under the cork tree) AND IT'S GOODD.

ILL BURN IT FOR YOU IF YOU WANT, JUST FOR A SMALL PRICE OF $6.78. (GST inclusive)

well unless your in the CLUBXZXZ which currently consists two cool people, it's free. to join call 9*9287**. (secretary's number) calls only welcome after 2.30am.

HAPPY CNY TURTLEZXZX,

and its OUT OF TOWN fer me till tuesday night.

2006-01-10T19:47:00.000+08:00

Your subtleties,
They strangle me.
I can't explain myself at all.

you hear me?
stop beating around the bush and just come straight to the point, please.

ANYWAY. i hate having good dreams.
you wake up feeling all WARM AND FUZZY
and then so jaded, when you snap back to reality.
because let's face it, only some dreams come true.

on to BETTER things.

SOFTBALL CAMP WAS MORE FUN THAN SWIMMING WITH 6 HIPPOS AND ONE ELEPHANT. just as muddy though AHHA. when we werent laughing, mopping the floor, rolling in the mud barefoot, preparing to strip at the grandstand (thank goodness mr construction worker came before we could AHAHAH), or being retarded, we were freaking out from the fact that JOYCE IS PSYCHO. AHAHA (inside joke ohkay. joyce isnt psycho, just violently sadistic. AHAHAH kiddingg.)

had our FIRST game ever, and as a team we ROCKED man. (:
individually, i felt i coulda done better.

and YEEHA there's trg tmr. [:

watched the miracle yesterday and it was JFLJDSFLKJSFJSFLJS.

esp the part when MR AGAIN AND AGAIN said: it isnt what's written on the back of your jersey that counts, it's what's written on the front.

well,

welcome to year 2006, survivors.

this is the year to watch out for the girls of NJ SOFTBALL, baybeh.

2005-12-31T00:41:00.000+08:00

tOdAyZxz (CoLoUr cOmBiNaTiOnXz) = highly amusing day.

headed to school (CLIMBED and got scolded by mr tennis coach :[ YAWEN TRICKED ME.) for team meeting which was [: . motivational and amusing.

lydia = VULGAR but ART huh. me = trying to lick her or something. liyan= TRYING TO EAT MY KNEE. the rest = CHIO AND SPASTICATED. but i love this picture.

AHAHA. yawen= trying to fly? me and liyan= SNIFFING EACH OTHER, not trying to whatever you think we're doing. AHHA BUT WE'RE ALL JUST HOT.

to see more go to : http://www.imagestation.com/album/pictures.html?id=2115466713

hawhaw.

supposed to head to west coast to climb trees, but due to uhrm the UNEXPECTED TURNOUT (HAHAAH) headed to plaza sing. supposedly to watch FAMILY STONE but no more tickets. so stoned around and found out that:

1. yawen is dangerous. she stuffs things up your nose, JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT SHE WAS IN YOUR GANG. AHAHAHA.

2. always make sure you have tissue when yawen is playing around in THEFACESHOP.

3. pretty unusual things like squirting moisturiser on the floor is found common by everyone except yawen and i. ]:

4. wanting is obsessed with kwonsangwoo.

5. steph has the same taste as me HAWHAW.

then headed to bugis to uhrm stone around. and buy stuff hawhaw.

i dont know what i want. i just dont know anymore. fckg vermisse dich. and the thing is, ich kann nicht sagen. that's the worst part. that's the part that sucks.

ooh happy new years eve, cowboys.

2005-12-28T19:39:00.001+08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL YOU TOES WHO READ THIS.

please call 1800-98732-837 to redeem your free nail clipper.

HEEHAW since i cant have the hot and talented CHRISMARTIN from coldplay for christmas,

i guess i'll just hafta settle for the best christmas present ever. (which is pretty HAWT too but looks scrwed here.)

finally got down to uploading the videos from the chalet!

click here to see MR GERARD ANDREW JAMES shake it while crooning to that song by the wonders. (the angles pretty screwed cause i was in a compromising position = leaning super far back on the chair)

click HERE to see the HSUAN TE from afghan get fed up at the dvd player which cant play pirated dvds. *bonus* see him hail the dvd player when it finally manages to play something. AHHAAH ITS MORE HILARIOUS THEN A DANCING PLATE. (which i have never seen, actl.)

click here to see the hairy potter, ron weasley and hermione(behind the camera) show! basically rayshio and hsuan te doing random name calling and hsuan te admits he's hairy potter and starts accusing hermione and ron of making out. yech but HILARIOUS.

I APOLOGISE FOR THE HORRIBLE SQUEAKY VOICE AND LAUGHTER (it's me. ]:) AND THE HORRIBLE PAHNG SAI LAUGHTER (rayshioho). ]:

mm. i feel like im doing something illegal.

oh well.

merry christmas, mary poppins.

2005-12-18T20:34:00.000+08:00

well. thailand wasnt all that great, but hey it's still thailand = i love it. [:

it could've rocked, but it didnt, cause of that one damn thing which happened.

the mother took the chance to give the dog away.

i was freaking upset at first, like screaming at her over the phone and stuff, trying to get the dog back. and then i realised that i was being so gourddamned fcking SELFISH.

the parents are gna start on some nonsense which extends their work hours next year. the brother's leaving for a two year trip in brunei next year. the mother's got a major knee surgery coming up. and i'll be so busy with school and softball. on weekdays, the dog only gets company after 7pm. he'll be cooped up at home the rest of the day.

but i wanted him, because i mean, hes my DOG for goodness sake. ohkay, if you dont own a dog you're not going to understand this. a DOG'S a DOG. not a fcking HAMSTER or PARROT. please. all those moments with him, i mean its like. - -

but if i really took him back, he'd be so cooped up. and i've got so much going in my life, plus him. but what about him? he's only got me.

he'll get a bigger house (i heard its a bungalow), and he's needed to keep this person's mother company and help her get better from some super major major operation. he'll get so much more attention (the boy is one big attention seeking ball of fur), and hey, he's going to love it.

don't get me wrong, i still want him BACK. but i guess i've got to let him go. i mean not all decisions are easy to make right? sometimes you just gotta make decisions you dont want to make, for the people/dog(hahahah) you love aye. i mean if he's going to be so much happier and he's going to able to get a better life over there, then i gotta let him go. ahahah cliche time: you dont gotta be with someone you love, you just want whats best for him.

but i'll miss all the little things. like sleeping with him and playing with him and doing really retarded shit with him. but hey, i know it's gna be ohkay.[: i gotta move on.

and i do not think this post is lame just cause im talking abt a DOG. please if you think that way you're a bloody idiot, who probably had a cockroach for a pet.

HAHA i feel better after all that. and i'm not sorry for a boring entry.

HAPPY THINGS TIME:

[: trg tmr.
[: gloria on tuesday!
[: going to meet the agency!
[: got hsl off my back.
[: I'M A MONTH OLDER.
[: you're away for a long time which sucks, but i guess it might be good for me.

YEEHA. hello cowboys.

2005-12-14T20:01:00.000+08:00

adopt your own virtual pet!

HELLO THERE.

MEET HEEHAW THE HEDGEHOG.

LIYAN YOU NEHNEH(!?) MY HEDGEHOG IS COOLER THAN YOUR SPASTICATED QUACKING DUCK. (which is kindof cute. HAHA. THANKS.)

it makes an INTELLECTUALL SILENCE sound when you click him, plus a HAPPY jump.

he's on the ATKINS diet so no bread HAWHAW.

he's purple.

his head can turn 360 degrees.

i mean, what more could you ask from a hedgehog?

2005-12-13T21:28:00.000+08:00

got alot of things on my mind lately.

that thing with you.

that thing with hsl.

and the agency called today too.

heehaw i need to talk to someone so that person can help me THINK.

cause my mind's stuck. ]:

plus there's that gnawing feeling in my gut.

i think it's cause it wants 9374927 cups of CUP CORN.

(i cant believe you read this)

2005-12-09T23:04:00.000+08:00

grah i hate you so freaking much. i hate what you do to me. i dont want this to start all over again. just stp doing whatever you're doing to me, if you dont mean it. YOU = KAYPOHZXZ (again) ME = ZXZXZXZXZX.

trg was cancelled (well sort of) yesterday. ]:

that sucked, but i guess it was fer the best cause the hands are kinda blistered. ]:

BUT STILL. ]: was looking forward to improving batting again with coach there. ]:

OHKAY ON TO MORE [:-er things!

was tutoring this little cute kid english today, and i was teaching him the word "HELP". and i was gonna say something like: help, there's no more toilet paper. and he cut me off and said: HELP THERE'S NO MORE MONEY IN MOMMY'S CASHCARD.

was trying to teach him the difference between made and make, but i ended up learning how to make COTTON WOOL from him. [HEY DONT MESS WITH ME ALRIGHT]

to put it simply, he makes me hApPYzXzXzXz. [: [:

downloaded the entire newest nickelback album (all the right reasons), NICKELBACK IS DLJFSFKLJFLJSLAKJ (vvvv good) BAYBEH. DFJKHJKSHDFKAJHSFK. YOU'VE GOT TO LISTEN TO THEM TO KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABT HUNNEH.

their lyrics are written by themselves and their music too. [[[: go listen to far away, savin me, if everyone cared, next contestant and the better known songs: photograph, how you remind me, hero and someday. (and that's just to name A FEW)

NICKELBACK is way better than three strands of yellow octopus leg hair.

got a YELLOW nike bottle for FREE. HEEHAW HEEHAW HEEHAW. im a dinosaur sitting on a seesaw looking for my wild boar.

it seems that the missing articles of clothes have turned up. in my closet.

= making me look like i've been blind

= THERE'S A HUGE HUGE CONSPIRACY IN ALL THIS.

= houston, we need backup.

(GOSH WHO READS THIS CRAP.)

2005-12-04T19:28:00.001+08:00

Upload Video at JussPress.comWATCH THIS VIDEO. ITS 7492742974 TIMES BETTER THAN A COUPLE OF YELLOW DUCKS AND FROOT LOOPS. (press pause and wait for it to load! then it'll be better.)

it's coldplay's FIX YOU. [: COLDPLAY ROCKS. SEE FOR YOURSELF.

the lyrics:
When you try your best,
but you don't succeed
When you get what you want,
but not what you need
When you feel so tired,
but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone,
but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just watch and learn

while you wait for it to load, you can waste your time by reading the crap below.

deleted the previous ANGSTYY post.

no need for all that angst here hunneh.

ohkay. talked to myself (AHAHAH SHERRIE TAN ARE YOU PROUD OF ME) (no you ass, i didnt talk TALK to myself) and realised going to express IS a good thing, because God knows how much i've struggled in higher chinese! [: it's gonna be so much easier for me, and i'll be able to actually have fun and learn chinese. overall, i guess i'm proud of myself for actually being able to stick in there for THREE years.

thanks you guys for being so sweet! [:

well it seems that the sister from 98798742497 km across the world can't stop talking about her LUKAS. hearing how hyped up she is, makes me feel all hyped up for her too!

VOEGELE I KNOW YOURE READING THIS, I LOVE YOU HUNNEH!

finally bought boots! [: they're nike and they gots YELLOW SPIKES. me = happy + broke. you = zXzxZXzXZ.

AHH has the video loaded? if yes, GO WATCH IT NOW, YOU PIECE OF TISSUE PAPER. if no, i'll just be self-absorbed and continue talking about myself.

it seems two more pieces of clothes has gone missing. I SWEAR, ITS THAT NEW HELPER WHO'S BEEN COMING IN TO IRON ALL THE CLOTHES. SHE STOLE MY CLOTHES.

no one believes me when i say so.

= there's a conspiracy.

its time to get those magnifying glasses out, watson.

2005-11-25T22:20:00.000+08:00

FAVOURITE LINE FROM FAVOURITE MOVIE. (thanks you!)

Seth: I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.

GOSH. everytime i hear it i get goosebumps. you have to watch the movie to know what i'm talking about. it's called CITY OF ANGELS. [: (otherwise i think that the line might just sound corny.)

CLASS CHALET WAS NOT A FLOP/FAILURE. [: YAY. was pretty fun, basically i LAUGHED ALOT and my stomach still hurts. [:

got a million funny videos of GERARD and HSUAN TE. YAYE. i'll post them up when i figure it out! [:

NOW PEOPLE OWE ME 749732743249237493274 MILLION DOLLARS. hmm sensitive topic let's not go into that.

thank YOU for sticking up for me HAHAA. experience HUH! AND FOR SPRAYING CHANEL ON MY POOR SUNBURNT SKIN. hsuan te should just rape you.

thank YOU for making me laugh with all your crap, dim sum. i dont know how people can talk to you without laughing. (ohkay i dont think they can) doubt you'll read this though!

thank YOU for listening. and for saying all that stuff, really made me think. that was sweet. [: and for NOT scaring me 9874943757439375 TIMES by doing the creepy walk/TAPPING ME. (i was just humouring you, i really WASNT scared/startled). AHAHA.

thank YOU for trying to tell me that your bed was infested with bed bugs. AND for being ever-so-concerned. HAHA.

thank YOU for helping. [:

thank YOU for GETTING SUNBURNT WITH ME! AHAHAHAH YES YOU DID, mine's just more noticeable! ily!

thank YOUS for coming it seriously wouldnt have been the same! HAAHA and for getting wet with me and amusing me. [:

and.

it seems some things have been overcomplicated. i thought i knew you and what you wanted, but i guess i dont. wow. actl i dont think the small font size helps cause the kaypohs read it anyways. YOU = KAY POHXzXzXz. ME = ZXZXZXZXZXZX

bytheway.

listening to sugar we're going down by fallout boy CONSECUTIVELY/NON-STOP makes you high.

i don't know why.

wow what a mystery. heehaw i'm a dinosaur sitting on a seesaw.

2005-11-21T20:31:00.000+08:00

some people really piss me off.

ohkay lar not some, just you. I really really really cannot believe you. You go around commenting and pointing out people's inadequacies and crap, but what you don't realise is that you're not so perfect after all. Actually what makes me laugh is that you just MIGHT have these inadequacies too. That's just so hypocritical. mm i dont like hypocrites much actl. You make everything ALWAYS about YOU, YOU, YOU oh and one more person - YOU. you pretend to be in something when you're not, and that's ohkay because i know what you really want but after a while IT GETS SO UNECESSARY.

aiya whatever lar. the thing that pisses me off the most is that you hurt people so much. and i love these people alot.

i seriously seriously cannot believe you.

too bad you wont realise i'm talking about you because you're too perfect for all the things i said above, huh.

ANYWAY ON TO BETTER THINGS.

had trg today, which was PATHETIC. just wendy, joyce and i. ]: everyone else was either sick, busy or in korea. ]: ( WANTING I MISS YOU! NO MORE DATES FOR A WHILE HUH!)

it ended up being more fun than i thought it would be, and uhm quite painful (THANKS JOYCE, I STILL LOVE YOU)

YAYE AND THEN I CABBED HOME! (well almost) CHRIS IS A NICE JUNIOR. THANKS CHRIS.(and there were monkeys at the overhead bridge ohkay.)

spent the rest of the day going to ben's place, then to some restaurant in town, then to mizuno sale(thanks reggie), then to CHANGI and then to JURONG. (hmm near huh)

ANYWAY , 05 WE GOT THE CHALET. YAYE. 23 TO 25. [[[[:

i would like some froot loops (the blue or yellow ones), please.

2005-11-18T20:15:00.000+08:00

TODAY'S THE DAY.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME. [[[[[[:

YAYE TO 15.

thanks for the SMSES CALLS EMAILS, LINDA VOEGELE, LEE WANTING,RACHEL KOH, SOPHIE ESTELLE WILLOCQ, NORA ERSBACH, MARTIN WENZEL, ADELINE KWEK, HOE SHUI LONG, ELAINE SNG, JUSTIN LEONG, AMANDA LIM, SHERRIE TAN, JOYCE, LYDIA, GLORIA KHOO MEI CHIN, WEI HONG, LIYAN, TERENCE CHENG, CHRISTINA JOY CHUA, ILYA NOOR, WONG FUI HAN, EUNICE TANDIONO, BRIAN TAN SOO YEE, MELISSA(fly), SOPHIE, VERENA MAE, CLARE LOW SIEW CHING, BEN LEE, AMANDA TAM, CLARISSA LUA, STELLA WONG, CHARMAINE, AMELIA, CHRIS, CHRISTOPHER LEE SIONG BOON, CHAN KENG YEE, HUMPHREY.

YAY I LOVE YOU GUYS.

THANKS FOR THE AMAZING SURPRISE SURPRISE WANTING AND SHERRIE! i was rlly surprised! ohkay im repeating myself.[:

THANKS FOR ALL THE YELLOW STUFF, SHUILONG, SHERRIE, WANTING, AMANDA, LINDA, STELLA, CHRIS, KENNETH, BRIAN, JUSTIN HO.

THANKS for the BOUQUET OF SUNFLOWERS, you! and that super sweet present! ily!

THANKS FOR WESTLIFE ALBUM, ADIDAS THING, BLACK RACER, WHITE RACER, CALENDAR, SWEETS, BROWNIES, COOKIES, CAKES, MOAM(its not cheepolang, g!), JAY POSTER, TOE SOCKS, CORGI THING, CONTACTS, PILLOWS, MAIL SURPRISE, YOUS! [[[:

i love yous!

yay i'm a happy 15 year old.

(i hope the thing between you two goes ohkay, yeah. [: a break's what you need. [: )

2005-11-12T19:50:00.000+08:00

ITS NOVEMBER.

ITS A SPECIAL MONTH.

wonder why. [;

oh deer that just shows how hopeless i am. ]:

but you're not. thanks for remembering i was REALLY touched. gosh i didnt even know MYSELF what day it was on. and i can't wait to see it.

now, for the 797497432974 dollar question:
have YOU watched city of angels?

if you havent, GO WATCH IT. really.

and it doesnt show that life sucks, jeremy.

GOOD THINGS COMETH NEXTH WEEKTH! [[[:

trg, movie marathon & PHOTO PRINTING with g, AND my favouritest day in the whole year. [:

ohkay i'm really hopeless.

kill me now, you bottle of liquid paper.

you, and your promises.
so you're leaving it up to us to clean up your mess again, huh?
i dont know how you manage to do this everytime.

2005-10-29T16:54:00.001+08:00

kboxed ysterday with sherriewantingxinyuansarahteeterence.

was INCREDIBLY FUN. made me forget about the earlier half of the day.

thank you fer that. sweetness. you dont owe me anything now, though you didnt actually in the first place.

GOOD BANDS ARE COMING OUT OF THEIR SHELLS HEEHAW.

thanks justin fer SONATA ARCTICA, AVENGED SEVENFOLD.
you've got to hear them to know what we're talking about here.

HURT PROCESS, BEAUTIFUL MISTAKE ARENT BAD AS WELL.

watch for them baybeh. [:

AHHHHHHHHHH.
good things cometh nexth weeketh.

HOPEFULLY a HEALED ankle for trg. IP INDUCTION. BBQ.

lets take flight young hippos.

what a nonsensical post.

2005-10-21T23:04:00.000+08:00

wenn DU dieses entry ueberzetzen, entshuldigung, aber ich denke dass, du kein bessere sachen machen hast. arschloss, geh weg.

mc
es war meine schuld. ich fuehle dass, ich dir taeuschen habe. du war die einige person/lehrer dass an mich glauben, und ich danke dir. Aber jetzt.. tut mir so leid. Ich habe angestrengen, aber das war nicht genug. tut mir leid.

tc
das GANZE sachen war mein schuld.
ich weiss nicht, was ich sage koennte,
ich kann nur sagen
tut mir leid.

bl
schwaetz kein scheiss, geh weg weg weg. das ist alles fuer dich.

gk jc
ich liebe euch.

2005-10-18T18:51:00.000+08:00

thanks g

i didnt know how much i needed you

i love youu babe! [:

2005-10-16T23:54:00.000+08:00

mr cheng/ any other teacher: stop doing freaky searches looking for other students/me and ending up at my blog! it gives me a shock. esp when i see the keywords! \:

the past few days have been weird.

i guess its a both good and bad weird.

gotten close to people i never was before, and was distanced from the people i was close to. am i distancing myself from them or is it the other way around? LIFE'S MYSTERY HUH. somehow i dont think its the latter.

sorry if i hurt anyone, cause i never meant to.

thanks for the sweet things certain people did this week i really needed them, you dont know how much.

AH. ASSESMENT WEEK BECKONS.
TOGETHER WE SHALL SOAR LIKE EAGLES, RUN LIKE THE WIND.

AHAH. GOOD LUCK EVERYONE.

mm. discovered STRATOVARIUS. they rock my world. THANKS JUSTIN.

BON JOVI's lyrics are REALLY sweet. stp arguing with me.

MCR grows on you! [: their music is GOOD.

SIMPLE PLAN still sucks.
let's add busted to the mix?

JOIN THE CLUB, GOOD MUSIC LOVERS. AND WE SHALL BE THE LIGHT ON EARTH.

what am i saying.